If its in my life... Its my responsibility!

If its in my life, it’s my responsibility. The secret to success is this simple. A recent passion of mine was to understand what makes a legend a legend. How are these special few able to become such inspirations whilst the majority others live lives which appear ordinary at best, and a chore at worst. I wanted to get inside the heads of these marvels and understand what made the difference?

Finally, I know. A single line philosophy can change everything around and it is this: If it’s in my life, it’s my responsibility. The man thrown on the railway platform could have blamed the officer or cried at his bad luck – but he didn’t. Instead, he took responsibility for what happened to him. The result? An ordinary barrister emerged as the Father of the Nation.

She could have wept and questioned God for creating such inequalities as she beheld the sight of extreme poverty outside her school – but she didn’t. Instead, she took responsibility for what she saw. The result? Years after she has died, Mother Teresa’s Missionaries of Charity feed millions of people each day.

Too often, I have given in to the temptation of blaming others for what was going wrong in my life. Last year my husband had too many financial responsibilities and we were unable to go for holidays or buy things we needed. Somewhere I began to resent him. However, once this sentence: If it’s in my life, it’s my responsibility came into my life, I realized that if I wanted certain luxuries, I should be able to fund for them. Why depend on him? This simple shift enabled me to begin a lucrative project which is also deeply enriching.

Today I realize that Life unfolded even better plans for me, than I had from my own life. The tough times didn’t last, but the invaluable lessons they taught me, did. No experience was unnecessary. Although I didn’t have the wisdom then, I now know, if it’s in my life, it’s my responsibility. I no longer shun my life, or the inherent responsibilities that come along with it. The result? I feel like I am living a dream.

I don’t leave things to chance or to another person, until I have fulfilled my part of the deal. If my health is not fine, I take control. If my relationship with a friend is not as intimate as I want it to be, instead of waiting for her to call, I take responsibility. Expectations from others or Life has, at least to a small extent, turned over to expectations from self. The best part about this is that the moment I stopped expecting another to give me happiness, love or financial security, and decided it’s my responsibility and worked towards it, with a sleight of hand Life turned the cards in my favour. From the smallest of issues like the coffee not being to my liking to the larger ones like dealing with health issues or struggling with marriage, I remind myself: if it’s in my life, it’s my responsibility. I will do my best and only then life will do the rest. Let’s not turn the equation around and spend our lives in an agonized waiting…

As is...

 

Outside, it was just another November morning. Within, my cells were in a state of celebration. I was meeting my guru and couldn’t decide what to wear. His timely message on my phone read “Don’t take too much trouble over dressing. Come as yourself. In the ‘As is’ state, you are beautiful.” I sat down and softly chuckled to myself. Somehow, he always knew all the antics that I was up to. I wore my most comfortable pair of jeans and a simple T-shirt, grinned and said, “As is”. At various points of the day, the two words tickled my mind and made me smile. As is. As is. The wondering had begun…

Although I enjoy a several close relationships, it is in my sister’s company that my inner Self completely unfurls and stands ‘As is’. I feel so at ease when I am with Nidhi. If I have an issue with her, I don’t need to think or edit, I can express myself as it is and I know nothing about our relationship will lessen. I can scratch my nose or I can burst into a song, I can laugh and roll on the floor in mirth or cry like my entire world has fallen apart, and I know nothing about us will change. I always wondered why I sought her company and now I know. With her, I am ‘As is’ – not an inch of formality, not a molecule of pretension. Not even an atom of being what I am not. Oh, such freedom this is!

Being with children refreshes me – this I have known for years. This is so because kids are always in the ‘As is’ state – is a discovery I just made. Whether a little one is running around or sitting peacefully, colouring; whether he is gurgling over nothing or she is crying over a toy; I can sit in meditative silence and watch children for an entire day. So beautiful they are, in the ‘As is’ state.

As I dwelt more upon these two words, I began to realize whenever I saw someone being ‘As is’ I enjoyed that person, no matter how strange or eccentric they appeared. I liked my loud aunt because that’s just the way she was. She had no qualms about her decibel levels so why should I? I loved my miserly uncle who wears torn socks and ‘banian’ (inner vest) with holes even bigger than the ones through which we put our hands, although he is a billionaire – that’s just the way he is, who am I to question it? Conversely, I have found something within me repel whenever I sensed that someone was not being themselves. Even if someone was doing a kind act – but being extremely pretentious about it, something within me would screech like nails over a blackboard. A humbling experience came in the form of a college re-union.

The party was in full swing, and so were my thoughts. I was judging all those who weren’t being genuine and was wondering, “Why can’t people be ‘As is’ – it’s so obvious when someone is not being genuine…” Just then, a reflection caught my eye in the long panel mirror of the party hall. Someone had a huge, plastic smile on her face as she was telling another person, “Hey, we must catch up, it’s been soooo long.” With horror, I realized that the reflection was mine! I looked fake. I sounded fake. And it was clear, I was being fake. It was like a bucket of cold water being dumped on my head. Obviously, just the way I could sense it when someone wasn’t being genuine – it must be so clear to others when I wasn’t ‘As is’ too! After, we all acts as mirrors to one another!

So often I change myself because I believe it is ‘socially acceptable.’ Why say, “pleased to meet you” when in my mind I know I found the meeting boring? Why say “the food is amazing, give me the recipe!” when I know I am never going to try the dish? Why tell someone “you are looking so amazing” and then gossip about her later? I have promised myself – if I say something good to someone, I will mean every syllable of it.

Conversely, when someone around me is displeasing me, I have started asking myself a key question. It is, “Does this person really matter?” If the answer is no, I am learning to keep my peace and remind myself that I am no one to judge anyone. However, if the answer is yes, the person does matter, I make it a point to express my feelings to him. Of course there is a way to say things – and a time and a place, but instead of allowing negative emotions to fester and boil within me, I have decided to let the other person know what’s troubling me. I have seen that when I am able to communicate nicely, directly and respectfully to the other, when I am able to say things ‘As is’ most of the times it has been received in the right spirit and the relationship has only deepened. When I looked into my life and reflected upon the relationships that got strained or fell apart, I saw that in most cases it wasn’t the issues that were too big, it was the gap between discussing the issues that had become too big. We had stopped being ‘As is’ with each other.

Being ‘As is’ is improving my life so much. From little instances to important ones, every instance where I was ‘As is’ leaves me happy and refreshed. For example, I love getting gifts. In fact an important part of my birthday is sitting amidst colourful wrapping paper and admiring the things I had received. And yet, until now whenever someone would give me a present I would say, (with one hand upon the gift, mind you) “ Heh Heh Heh, you shouldn’t have…” This birthday, I decided to be ‘As is’ – I accepted all the presents with an excited smile. As is.

In the book Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert shares a profound insight. She says, “God exists within you, as you.” If the Almighty can accept us as we are, why do we change ourselves to please others? Even the journey of self improvement can only begin when, in the first place, there is self acceptance. Only when I accept that I am a liar can I move towards becoming more truthful – only when I accept the ‘As is’ can I do something about it. The stupidest thing that I have done in life is to deny me to myself, others and even God– and I refuse to do it anymore. This is me. As is.

Just another memory

I realize, life is nothing but a series of memories. Every moment that passes becomes a small fragment of my mind in the form of a memory. It’s up to me whether I choose happy memories or the painful ones. Do I slip in to reminiscence with a gentle smile or a scorn? What he said, what she said, what he did, what she did, will all result in nothing but a memory in my head – so which ones are worth keeping… which not worth processing? As I became conscious of this thought, I realized, somewhere unconsciously I was picking and choosing all the right memories and therefore life is as beautiful, as abundant as it is right now. The negative memories must be lurking in corners – but I consciously choose not to think of them whereas the happy ones I play time and again, making them stronger.

I had a quarrel with my best friend. We both said quite a few nasty things to each other. We raked the past, we scorned the present and questioned the future. However, in the end of it all, it ended with both of us weeping, realizing, how much we mean to each other. There were I love you’s and I care for you’s. There were hugs and holding of hands. With a new day, with a new understanding – what played an important role was our old memory. We remembered not the hurt but the healing power of love, we kept in mind the adoration not the abhorrence, we memorized the gentle words and not the stream of insults and that’s why we are closer than we ever were. Memory… just a memory. Yet, which I choose to dwell over, which I choose to lose, makes all the difference.

“You will never be good at English”, said my teacher ten years ago. Although her words were meant to hurt, in my memory, I only remember a little girl in a blue uniform looking back with raised eyebrows. I had said nothing. But even then, I remember thinking, “No teacher, I will learn English. I will.” Even in memory there was no sense of humiliation or failure. Indignation, yes. A chance to prove myself, perhaps. But no sense of failure. Recently, after having finished a book called Thank You, Cancer and being praised for it in Times of India, the same teacher wrote me an email saying, “I am privileged to have known you.” Probably none of it had been possible if somehow my mind had not chosen to keep the memory of this moment as a challenge rather than a hopelessness one.

That’s the beauty with memory – of an entire instance, of an entire conversation; I can choose to keep alive only that which I want to. So when someone once told me, “You are pretty ugly”, I conveniently, in my memory keep alive only the first three words of the sentence. Today truly looks does not seem to be an issue in my life and I walk about with my head held high, believing I am God’s beautiful creation. What could have broken me, created me. Memories which could have shaken me, awakened me, as I chose to keep only those alive which helped me feel good, made me happier.

What you say to me is not in my control. What life brings to me is not in my control. What will happen in the very next moment is not in my control. But as I sleep, what memories I choose to keep in safe possession, what memories I choose to ignore and thereby discard remains in my, and only my control. I have made insults in to compliments, failures in to challenges, fights in to yet another chance to renew a friendship, ill health in to an important rest and pampering period, moments of humiliation in to humour in my memory. So when I look back, there actually seems so much of joy, so much of excitement and growth, that I get excited about what tomorrow will bring.

This article, as of now will be nothing but a memory… but I want to keep it alive in my mind, keep remembering that life is nothing but a series of memories – and I can chose, and lose them according to my wish. Let this learning not fade away… let this memory, of memories, remain alive.