Just another memory

I realize, life is nothing but a series of memories. Every moment that passes becomes a small fragment of my mind in the form of a memory. It’s up to me whether I choose happy memories or the painful ones. Do I slip in to reminiscence with a gentle smile or a scorn? What he said, what she said, what he did, what she did, will all result in nothing but a memory in my head – so which ones are worth keeping… which not worth processing? As I became conscious of this thought, I realized, somewhere unconsciously I was picking and choosing all the right memories and therefore life is as beautiful, as abundant as it is right now. The negative memories must be lurking in corners – but I consciously choose not to think of them whereas the happy ones I play time and again, making them stronger.

I had a quarrel with my best friend. We both said quite a few nasty things to each other. We raked the past, we scorned the present and questioned the future. However, in the end of it all, it ended with both of us weeping, realizing, how much we mean to each other. There were I love you’s and I care for you’s. There were hugs and holding of hands. With a new day, with a new understanding – what played an important role was our old memory. We remembered not the hurt but the healing power of love, we kept in mind the adoration not the abhorrence, we memorized the gentle words and not the stream of insults and that’s why we are closer than we ever were. Memory… just a memory. Yet, which I choose to dwell over, which I choose to lose, makes all the difference.

“You will never be good at English”, said my teacher ten years ago. Although her words were meant to hurt, in my memory, I only remember a little girl in a blue uniform looking back with raised eyebrows. I had said nothing. But even then, I remember thinking, “No teacher, I will learn English. I will.” Even in memory there was no sense of humiliation or failure. Indignation, yes. A chance to prove myself, perhaps. But no sense of failure. Recently, after having finished a book called Thank You, Cancer and being praised for it in Times of India, the same teacher wrote me an email saying, “I am privileged to have known you.” Probably none of it had been possible if somehow my mind had not chosen to keep the memory of this moment as a challenge rather than a hopelessness one.

That’s the beauty with memory – of an entire instance, of an entire conversation; I can choose to keep alive only that which I want to. So when someone once told me, “You are pretty ugly”, I conveniently, in my memory keep alive only the first three words of the sentence. Today truly looks does not seem to be an issue in my life and I walk about with my head held high, believing I am God’s beautiful creation. What could have broken me, created me. Memories which could have shaken me, awakened me, as I chose to keep only those alive which helped me feel good, made me happier.

What you say to me is not in my control. What life brings to me is not in my control. What will happen in the very next moment is not in my control. But as I sleep, what memories I choose to keep in safe possession, what memories I choose to ignore and thereby discard remains in my, and only my control. I have made insults in to compliments, failures in to challenges, fights in to yet another chance to renew a friendship, ill health in to an important rest and pampering period, moments of humiliation in to humour in my memory. So when I look back, there actually seems so much of joy, so much of excitement and growth, that I get excited about what tomorrow will bring.

This article, as of now will be nothing but a memory… but I want to keep it alive in my mind, keep remembering that life is nothing but a series of memories – and I can chose, and lose them according to my wish. Let this learning not fade away… let this memory, of memories, remain alive.

New day.. Old me?

Did you, like me, buy a brand new book, a brand new pen with a shiny tip just when you had to begin studying for school exams? For me, it was an event. I would go to a stationary shop, hold my nose high so the shopkeeper knows he is to take me seriously and stand pondering what to buy- which pen would get me more marks- which book would ensure that I write more, learn more and sleep less; which color marker would help me notice important words better? Pink, maybe. Purple, Yes. And like this my tiny shopping bag would fill with new stationary. Surprisingly, I would actually study harder, concentrate more with all these new things surrounding me.

Do you, like me, get so excited when you bought a few new clothes, that for quite some time you forgot your old ones completely. Little else thrills me as shopping does- there is a certain fragrance that new clothes have, a certain feel- that old clothes just don’t. Laden with shopping bags, thoughts of what I will wear when, anticipation of coming sales- I feel this little thrill. Ok, ok, if you are a man- its probably not clothes- think of that brand new car that you bought. That glisten, that glimmer, that fragrance that teased you as if saying- ‘I am new and therefore special’ and you probably know exactly what I am saying about the thrill of ‘newness’.

Have you, like me, felt shivers run down your spine at the prospect of getting to know a person, of adding that one more number on your mobile- knowing that you are going to use this number quite a lot. What a feeling it is to talk for hours and find out- favorite colour, favorite food, favorite flower. And favorite person. Shy smiles follow. Some relationships become new with each passing day- no matter how much two people know about each other they always find something new, something more to speak about- something new to discover together. And the excitement of ‘newness’ within the relationship simply refuses to fade away.

Have you, like I did, realized that life itself renews itself each day? With each morning, life begins once again. Sleep, like a mother, puts her hand over my head and weaves webs of darkness around me so I may sleep in peace- and wake up to a new day, a new life. What a waste of a new day it would be, if I am the same old! Yesterday I allowed ego to spoil a relationship, today I won’t. Yesterday, I was afraid to be the first one to do something; today I will do it with excitement. Yesterday I lost my temper on someone I loved, today, I will make it up. Yesterday I didn’t realize my potential, today I will. Yesterday I didn’t extend my arms and hug a child, today I will hug two. The old me had health problems, the new me wont. Yesterday I couldn’t, today I will. Between what I was yesterday and what I will be tomorrow lies a new day- renewed twenty four hours asking me- so, today what will you do?

What a feeling it is to wake up to a new day. The thrill of newness engulfs me every morning as I wonder what all I will do with this brand new day- the fragrance of newness tantalizing me to explore more, more, more. The beauty of life is, until it’s here, it keeps giving me a new day, again and again. A new sun, a new sky, new clouds, and to go with it a new, improved me- everyday.

Decided it. Did it.

Since forty years it had been his best friend. Since forty years, every day, through every different mood it listened calmly to him- never questioning, never judging, for it knew that each time he would get a little more dependent on it. Each time they spoke it took away a little from him, without him even realizing it. Each time it killed him a little, and yet he continued. For he could not imagine his life without it. Yes, he couldn’t imagine a life without his cigarettes, which now seemed like a natural extension of his fingers.

When I met him he spoke to me, with a cigarette in his hands, of his dreams. Beautiful dreams. Dreams of creating an educational institute in Rajasthan for the poor. He spoke with clarity, he spoke keeping reality in mind. I coughed a little and then smiled in encouragement. Smoke and smile. Hazard to health and dreams of progress. Cigarette and visions. The paradoxes got to me and I couldn’t help but ask him, ‘Uncle you have such a beautiful vision for the future of kids you don’t even know, and yet with each cigarette you kill yourself a little bit hour after hour – hazarding your own future. Isn’t it a pity?’

Mr Pansari, my best friend’s father looked at me with widened eyes. He processed the thought. And within few seconds he replied, ‘Give me a twenty one day challenge and I promise you I will not touch a cigarette. On the twenty second day I will call you and tell you that if I could do this for these few days, I can do it for a lifetime.’ One week passed. And then another. I had not heard from uncle at all- and in all honesty, I did have a doubt whether he would be able to do it- a forty year old habit- can it be dropped in twenty one days?

On twenty second day the phone rang. With triumph in his voice uncle informed me, ‘I decided it and I did it. My decision became bigger than me and I never even had the urge to touch a cigarette. All that mattered was my decision, my promise to you. It’s now impossible for me to ever smoke again.’ Undoubtedly I was thrilled- thrilled for him, thrilled for his family but I think I was most thrilled for myself as I had the sudden realization that this was the victory of the human spirit, the human determination over a particular challenge. If one can decide it, one can do it. Suddenly I looked around myself to see more examples of single decisions changing lives. I was not disappointed.

He was only sixteen years old when he developed an eye problem. He was told, progressively he would now lose his eyesight for a few years until he becomes completely blind. At an age where youngsters seek and find themselves, at an age where one starts developing vision for a beautiful tomorrow, at an age where what others think, how peers relate with you matters so much, he found himself immersed in darkness. His mother wept, his father wept, his younger brother too wept. But Ankit, my young cousin, made a decision.

One of those evening when he was listening to a few of his favorite songs a thought came upon him, ‘I am only losing my sight- everything else in my body is functioning perfectly and I should be thankful for that.’ Instantaneously the thought became a decision, ‘Before I knew I would become blind I had several dreams. Loss of vision will not stop me. I will achieve all that I want to achieve in life and blindness will not subtract anything from my life. In fact, it will give me an impetus to strive harder. I will remain self reliant.’ And that was it. The rest, as they say, is history.

The handsome twenty year old today reads more books than most people who can see, via a special program; he won the student of the year award in his college; he has written a book on his life and will soon celebrate six months into his first amazing job in India’s most reputed MNC. He told me, ‘I took the decision and the decision governed my life. At times when I felt weakened, I would just remember my decision and with a calm smile walk on. I started every day of my life running my decision through my mind. And today my decision is me, I am my decision.’ He adds, with a naughty smile, ‘Am sure will even find the girl of my dreams someday- after all, love is blind.’ I laugh with him but have tears in my eyes.

Her husband told her he loved her, and the he told her he loved her not. Once again he told her he did, and then he did not. Sometimes he would come home and be the wonderful caring husband that any woman can dream of; at other times he was a detached stranger- incapable of all thoughts and feelings. She questioned herself, tried providing answers to herself and kept trying to make things work. She was a housewife- she had grown up believing that a marriage is a one time phenomena and no matter what you have to make it work. Although educated, she had never stepped out to work, to find herself in a role other than a daughter, sister and a wife. That evening he came home drunk. She offered him a glass of water which he threw aside abusing her. She sat in the balcony crying, watching the sun set. And suddenly, out of nowhere a thought came, ‘Do I not deserve a better life?’ In a moment, the decision was made.

She decided, ‘I deserve a beautiful life. I deserve to live without wondering what will happen tomorrow, I deserve a life of love. If not my husbands love, at least my love for myself.’  She quietly packed her bags and left for her parents’ home. Of course there was resistance. Questions. Accusations. And yet, since the decision was made, there was no going back.

In six months she was able to get a job that brought little salary, but a lot of self respect. She managed to get out of the marriage, unscathed. And is on her journey to discovering a new Shalini. There is so much strength in making a decision and standing by it. I didn’t know what I would do, where I would be when I left my husband- all I knew is that I deserved something better and I would give it to myself. Today, that single decision has turned my life downside up and things are looking better each day.’

For the first time I realized that I need not give examples of the Mahatma or Mother Teresa, my own life is surrounded by people who have had the courage to take a decision and make things happen. A thought, when it becomes a decision has the power to make things move. A decision when remembered every day, becomes a force. A force, when it becomes bigger than the person himself can overcome all the hurdles and become reality. If indecision is like the car which doesn’t know whether to go right or left, and goes nowhere in the bargain; decision is that chartered plane which zooms past the runway and gains flight. Certain indecisions arise of lack of information- in which case one can seek a higher intelligence to make up their mind- but most indecisions arise from a fear of the future- a question upon tomorrow. That robust health, that amazing job, that dream relationship, that wonderful life… awaits. Can you make the decision and  make it yours?

Attitude of Gratitude

The children’s class was in full swing. I had asked the ten year olds to write about one attitude that they would want to have for life. As they bent their tiny heads and pinned their flying thoughts, one at a time, I observed them. There were four of them and each represented a world in itself. Shruti, the pretty one came from a very affluent family. Raghav, was the intelligent boy wearing spectacles and a serious look. Garima was the cute, chubby girl who loved to giggle. And then, there was Dhruv. He had half a smile on his lips as he wrote. I couldn’t define him. I couldn’t label him under a type. Dhruv just was.

When he read out his paper and said, “Ma’am, I would like to develop the attitude of gratitude. Now and forever.” I asked him why. And he looked into my eyes and shared, “Because I am alive.” Taken aback, I just looked at him. He spoke softly and said, “Ma’am when I was five I had leukemia. I am now ten. And I am alive.” I couldn’t utter a word. The other kids surrounded him and began to ask him questions, but I couldn’t join in. I could just hear a few words like ‘two years treatment’, ‘blood transfusion’, ‘18 injections’, and the other kids kept gasping every now and then. Dhruv had unknowingly become a hero – but he didn’t seem to care, he just gave honest answers and shrugged his shoulders when Shruti asked him, “Can you get it again?”

When all of them left, I just sat with the little paper in my hand in which Dhruv had written, “I would like to develop the attitude of gratitude. Now and forever.” His childish handwriting seemed to contrast with the profound message that it contained.Conceptually, I liked the term gratitude, however, practically, I had two issues with it: One, I childishly believed if I was grateful, God would stop giving me more. And two, I believed that while some aspects of my life were great, there were always enough areas which were challenging and they took most of my time – so how could I be grateful?

Dhruv had shown me. The very law of life suggests that life goes wherever energies go. So the more grateful I am about something, chances are the more of it I would create in my life. Closer observation proved this to be true. Off late, I was just feeling too good about my health and often spontaneously the words would flow, “Thank you God for this feeling of absolute lightness and well being.” And the feeling was just growing. I was feeling better and better with each passing day.

Consequently for all those issues which I kept grumbling about – they indeed seemed to be growing in magnitude, I wasn’t enjoying my relationships too much and often felt like I was giving much more than I was getting. Dhruv’s words shook me and I began to focus on every little thing that my close ones were doing for me and the perspective shift led to phenomenal results. Suddenly I felt loved, cared for and protected. Magically, the more I relished the tiny gestures and expressions of love from others, the more they came my way!

Gratitude seems a bit too simple to be life transforming. And yet, it is. Thank you Dhruv, for changing my prayers. These days as I sit in meditation, I ask for one thing alone: Dear God, help me to develop the attitude of gratitude. Now and forever.